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Don't Ask, Don't Tell: meaning

Also: DADT, don't ask don't tell relationship, DADT relationship

A don't ask, don't tell relationship, often shortened to DADT, is a form of open relationship in which what happens outside the marriage is private. Each partner is free to see others, and each agrees not to ask for or offer details.

What it looks like day to day

• You may know that your partner sees others, but not who or when
• Nobody shares photos, names or stories
• Conversation about the other partners is off the table
• Safer-sex rules are the only information that must be shared, and usually only in general terms

It is the reverse of the transparent model, in which partners share news, and certainly the reverse of a hotwife arrangement, in which the stories are the fuel.

Where it appeals

Some couples choose DADT because they want freedom without the emotional work of hearing details. It can suit people who find specifics painful, or those who value privacy and independence. The agreement lowers the daily temperature of jealousy because there is nothing to compare.

Where it breaks

1. Health: you cannot manage risk if you cannot discuss it
2. Trust: silence can feel like secrecy, and secrets can shade into lies
3. Mismatch: one partner uses the rule to avoid hard conversations
4. Slippage: a hint here, an accidental message there, and the rule collapses
5. Resentment: one partner may want to share and holds back

A workable DADT couple still agrees on testing, on barriers and on an emergency contact rule. They may call it a "minimal information" arrangement.

DADT versus hotwife storytelling

In a hotwife marriage, the husband usually hears the story: the date, the dress, the messages, sometimes the details. For a cuckold, those details are the pleasure. A DADT rule would remove them, so the two styles rarely mix. A couple who tries DADT first and then wishes for stories can switch to an open-storytelling agreement. My guide to hotwife telling her husband details describes how.

Is DADT the same as cheating?

If both partners have agreed to it, no. If one partner has not agreed and is later told "you said you did not want to know", it is. Consent has to come first, spoken in plain words, and it has to be revisited. See is hotwifing cheating.

Making it safer

• Write down what is allowed
• Keep a minimal safety channel, such as "I tested, all clear"
• Agree on a signal if something goes wrong
• Review the rule every few months

Fantasy use

Some listeners enjoy the DADT idea as pure fantasy: a wife who comes home late and says nothing. That secrecy is part of the thrill in my cheating-wife role-play audio, where everyone has consented to the game. Start with the free Start Here course for a gentler version.

Examples in a sentence

• They had a don't ask, don't tell rule, so he never knew who she saw.
• DADT worked for a year before they wanted to hear more.
• She preferred to tell him everything, not don't ask, don't tell.

Read the full guide

• Hotwife Telling Her Husband the Details: How Much, How Fast
  A hotwife can tell her husband the details at the level you both agreed: a headline, the story with sensations, or everything. Start with a list of wh
• Hotwife vs Cheating: Where Consent and Rules Draw the Line
  A hotwife dates or has sex with other men with her husband's knowledge and consent, within rules both agreed. Cheating is secret and breaks a promise.
• Can You Cheat in an Open Relationship? What Actually Counts
  Yes, you can cheat in an open relationship. Cheating is not about sex with a third person; it is breaking an agreement through secrecy or deceit. Lyin
• A Broken Rule in an Open Relationship: Repair Steps That Work
  When a rule is broken in an open relationship, pause the arrangement, let the person who was hurt speak first, get the whole truth, take responsibilit

Related terms

By Juliet Monroe · updated 2026-10-18